Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Selfishness and all things that follow.

I've been walking down memory lane, every bit in it's figurative and literate meaning. There so much i realized that i've done, so much i've shared, so much i have become since i've left high school.

Is it fair to say that i have change in mass proportion in comparison to who i was in school??
Perhaps in terms of personality, i might not have changed at all?

I'm still that gullible girl that started out with a flair to look at things on the greener side of life.
Not so much when i hit the big dip downwards. I can be quite the pessimist.
What i do realized is, i'm not good at keeping friends at all.

I've made so many many friend in all walks of life, and yet the effort spent to keep them within my hindsight was taxing and frustrating, and it twist my guts how socially inept i am.

Trust me, i suck.

Or you might be one of those friends who just know how bad i am at keeping em'.

The whole point of this "me" banter is to say how sorry i am if i have in any way offended anyone, as i admit with true and thorough defeat that i am truly bad at keeping friends.

I'm selfish, because i let my own insecurities take the best of me.

I am painfully shy.
I'm afraid of confrontation.

And to speak truth in every sense of word, i'm plain scared that i bore you to death.

Yes, you my friend.

I've disappoint you, i've cause you sorrow, i've let you down. I have made you feel like you meant nothing in my life.

But the truth is, you do.

As hard as it is to believe, for every friendship I've forage and conquered, i cherish with all my heart. So much, i want it to remain that way. The way you see me as me, the first impressions that may (or may not) have leave positive(/negative) markings all over your generous heart. I am 'perfect' that way and wanted to remain so in your eyes.

All i can give you is this.

I cannot be there for you always
I cannot be there at the exact moment when you're depressed or jubilant,
Or through every laughter and tears.
Through every pain and hardship.

All i can offer is myself.

I cannot cure your pain, but i can share it
I cannot be always there, but i can go the distance for you
I cannot read minds but i am willing to listen to you if it takes all night.

I can be that friend that you haven't contacted in months, but is still able to "click" with.

I am willing to go to great lengths to be there.
Because that's what a friend do.

So i'm sorry my friend, that i could not be all you want me to be.
I'm sorry i can only do so much..

But i'll try really hard. because that's how much you mean to me in my life.

So don't walk away just yet.

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